Worlds Colide

What causes conflict?

The Symptoms

When I refer to conflict, what comes to mind? Arguments? Fist fights? Wars? Merriam-Webster calls conflict "a lack of agreement or harmony".

By this definition, conflict would be any form of failed human interaction. Whether it be marriage, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, neighbors... employers, coworkers, subordinates... churches, politicians... all the way to the simplest connections we don't even think about; like strangers standing in line, or on the other end of the phone as support or telemarketers, next to you on the airplane, walking down the street, or passing you on the highway. By calling it failed interactions, you don't even have to have a conversation to have conflict with someone.

When was the last time you got in an argument with a loved one? Or had someone beep their horn at you while driving? What about getting irritated when someone cut in front of you in line?

More than likely, you've had at least one of these scenarios happen this week. If not all of them. I want you to think about what the ultimate cause of these conflicts are. No, I'm not talking about you leaving your dirty socks right next to the hamper rather then in it, or the fact that the SOB driving the Hummer got too close to your rear bumper. What I'm referring to here is the underlying reason why your smelly socks and rear bumper caused conflict. That "why" is what I'm going to discuss today. 

The Disease

If you get down to the very core of it, every single failed human connection in the world comes down simply to expectations. When any of those people listed above (or any one else in the entire world) disappoints you in any way or you anyone else, it's usually both parties to blame in the conflict. When was the last time someone honked at you? Do you really think they just wanted to honk at you to let you know that you're a perfect driver? No, it's because of one of the following reasons: 

1. One or all the people involved don't (or possibly can't) communicate their expectations, 
2. They have unrealistic expectations, 
3. They don't care what is expected of them, 
4. Or any mixture of all of these. 

Don't believe me? Let's take a closer look at the examples I gave above. I think they are simple enough to get us started. 

The Side Effects

It was a dark and stormy night. You just got home from a late night after a long hard day at work. You can't believe the people you have to put up with at that place. Ed, whom you manage, failed to get paperwork filed properly yesterday for a big project that's due. He was out sick today. So your boss made you stay late to do it yourself. What a prick. Dinner is already on the table. You quickly change to more comfortable clothes, sliding your socks off as your walking to your closet.  Your son comes to your door to ask you a question, and mentions that mom isn't in a good mood. She yelled at the youngest one earlier for breaking something. By now you've completely forgotten to pick up your socks from were you left them. Innocent enough, right? But hold on. Your wife has been home all day, washing the laundry, cleaning up spills and messes made by the kids, working her butt off to make sure the house was clean and dinner was ready for when you came home. Oh, and she planned your favorite meal for you as a surprise for tonight over a week ago because she's so proud of you doing so well at your job... that you've now been at one year today... and that dinner is the one that's cold. That's enough to be frustrated, right? About an hour later after an unusually quiet, cold dinner, your wife goes in the bedroom one second and the next comes out with a fiery temper and raised voice. She is going on and on about something to do with dirty clothes and no respect for all she does... "Wait a second!" you break in, "What about all I do!? Doesn't that count for anything?"...  Obviously something hit a nerve. Probably a nerve already raw from a stressful day at work. The fight continues for about 8 minutes, and then it just stops because you both completely forgot what you were originally fighting about. You both say you're sorry for being pig-headed and kiss and make up. 

So who's wrong in this tale? The answer is subject to interpretation, and I'm not trying to analyze who is wrong and who is right in a never ending game of he-says-she-says. If you take a second look at the story while thinking about what expectations may have been in play, you'll start to see what I mean about conflict. Ed failed to meet your expectations to get his paperwork done. Your boss failed to meet your expectations of letting you leave with work undone. You failed to meet your wife's expectations of being home on time for dinner. Your child failed to meet your wife's expectations of not breaking stuff. She failed to meet your expectations of understanding that you had a hard day. By the time all of those failed expectations build up, it doesn't really matter how minor of an expectation putting socks in the hamper is. Some of these are unreasonable expectations, some aren't. Some of them were not communicated, and therefor were not known to the other involved party. And at least a couple of people didn't seem to care what was expected of them. 

This may make sense to you now, but you may still be asking how strangers can be affected like this too. Lets use the tail-gating analogy from before. The car that beeped at you. When we drive, we often pretend that we are in our own little world and that no one else is around. (Just remember this next time you laugh at the guy next to you at the light who you caught picking his nose. And then next time you pick your nose in you car, make sure you remember there's probably someone laughing at you.) Because we like to drive around in our bubble pretending that no one else is there, we forget that we affect other people even in little ways. Most of us who try to practice the Golden Rule, fail to do so when we're on the road. Think about everything that irks you that other people do while driving; Now think about those next time you drive. I bet you do at least a couple of those things when you get on the road. My dad always told me "you should always try to avoid making someone else brake unless you have to". 

The Cure

A lot of times, if we just understand what causes something, that's enough to fix it. Sometimes it is not enough however, so what else can we do? Well, I really think you have to decide that for yourself. What do you want your life to look like? Do you want it to be peaceful, harmonious and conflict free, or do you strive on and enjoy confrontation? If you enjoy it, you are probably reading the wrong blog. If you want to change and have harmony in your life, then you have to do your part to truly treat people the way you want to be treated, and try to understand what their expectations may be. It's not your job to make sure that those expectations are met, but if you at least try to understand them you are already a step ahead. You also may find the opportunity to communicate what your expectations are, or help them understand better what their's should be.

You never know what you can do to help change the world unless you give it a try.

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.” -Marian Wright Edelman

Supply and Demand

Today I was once again overwhelmed by the amount of blogs out there for certain parents. Single mothers, young mothers, old mothers, married mothers, green mothers, dating mothers... I'll stop now; I think you get the point. My wife is a follower of some of these blogs, and I'll tell you, there's some great tips out there... For moms. I could only find around 20 blogs with "dad" in the title. Out of those maybe 5 were actually advice for fatherhood, and only one of those were aimed at young or "cool" dads. All the rest were either random rants from fellows who happen to be fathers, or were not kept up to date. Is there just no demand for a good, relevant blog designed for dads? Particularly young dads? 

Where are all of the dads!? 


I don't know the answer to that, but I decided to come up with a solution. 

I'll start by telling you a little about me. I'll soon be 26, I've been married to my wife for almost 6 years, and we have two awesome sons, Elijah (almost 5), and Zac (6 months). Both of my sons, as great as they are, were unplanned (apparently birth control pills and antibiotics do not make a good cocktail). The reason I tell you this is because, like probably most of you, I wasn't prepared to be a dad. It came as a surprise; not just once, but twice. As I've been told at least once or two hundred times during my career in the Army,

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

Becoming a dad two weeks before my 21st forced me to decide to either be more responsible, or to give up and walk away. Giving up was never an option for me, but there were certainly times that I wanted, not a way out, but some kind of easy way forward (like wishing to win the lottery, or suddenly realizing I have bad-ass guitar playing skills and being forced into superstardom. Hey, we can all dream, right?). Responsibility can be a bit of a headache if we aren't prepared for it. Looking back on my 5 years experience as a twenty-something dad, choosing to give up some of "me" for "them" hasn't been easy by any means. It has, however, been very rewarding; at least now that things are starting to get easier. I'm not on top of this mountain I've been climbing yet, but man, I'm starting to see the view. And it's nice.

How do we get to the top?

The advice I can give to any men out there who are struggling to move on in this place where we transform from guys to men, from bro to leader, and from dude to dad, can really apply to any man who's an adult, but doesn't quite feel like one, whether or not you're a father.

1. In the words of Rob Schneider, "You can do it!"

NEVER doubt yourself. You truly can do anything you put your mind to do. ANYTHING. We all have the potential to do great things, and are limited only by our own fear and insecurity. That means being the best dad and successfully raising your kids to be honorable, productive members of society is possible. A great man once said:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Nelson Mandela, 1994 inaugural speech

2. Tell yourself life will get better and easier.

This one is a lot harder than it sounds, so if you can do this you're already ahead of the game. Sometimes I forget how important staying positive is, but its essential to life. If we start getting down because things aren't getting better, they probably won't. By "things" I mean life. Your job, family, home, car, etc. No one else is going to decide for me; only I can decide if I will truly live my life, or just sit out on the bench. Success and happiness are not accidents, nor are unhappiness and failure. They are paths waiting for you to decide which to take. Unhappiness and failure are simply the default path that we travel on if we don't choose the hard road. You can have the life you want.

3. Don't change who you are; change what you do.

Know yourself. Your strengths, your weaknesses. If you do this, it makes it easier to retain your strengths and develop your weaknesses. The only way to be a great dad who is respected and looked up to by his children, is to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Not someone else. That other guy that you think you should be like? He's got issues and insecurities too. Maybe worse than yours. In fact, I've often found that the people I look up to the most are actually intimidated by me. The same holds true for you too. If some other guy thinks he doesn't measure up to you, do you think he's going to come right out and say so? Maybe when there's a blizzard in Hell and Satan gives free sleigh rides. We all have things about us that we want to change; just make sure that your's is not a good quality that you are just wishing away to be like someone else.


One thing I've found extremely helpful for knowing myself better is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator exam. It completely challenged the way I looked at myself. Things I saw before as weaknesses, I now see as strengths. I even found out that I am an Extrovert when I've always thought I was an Introvert, and it makes more sense too. You can take the exam at many career centers across the country, but I'm sure there's online and other options as well. 


Official Site: http://www.myersbriggs.org/

4. Know the difference between having fun and being immature.


You don't have to act like an old fart just because you have kids. In fact, they need you to teach them to have fun without being stupid or irresponsible. You can wrestle around with them, tickle them, play hide and seek. Most of these you could do in 10-20 minutes; Just make sure you focus on them and only them for as much as you can every day that you can. My oldest son and I race to car when we're leaving the house. It keeps him from taking too long, gives us both a little exercise and healthy competition, and it gets us having fun together. Another idea is to think of something from your childhood that you may still enjoy, and would be age and gender appropriate for your child. For me, I couldn't wait to get my son started with Lego's and Star Wars and now they have both of these together, as well as our Lego Star Wars Wii game. There have to be ideas that fit your life, just look for them. 


Now, as for immaturity. There are some things you probably should reevaluate if they are the best things for your kids to see you doing. Maybe things that are just selfish, or maybe things you don't want to let go from your college years. For the most part, I'm going leave this one open for you to take a look for yourself. Just take a look at your actions and why you really keep doing them. Remember your kids will mimic you. It's up to you what they'll be like. 

5. Take initiative and be a leader.

To lead does not mean being able to have control over people, but being an example they want to follow and being able to guide them firmly but with respect. As you make more good choices, others will see this and most likely want this themselves, at least as long as you treat them as you want to be treated and don't get cocky. This is no less true with children. Our kids become what they see in us. If we yell, they learn to yell. If we are patient, they become patient. If they see us being kind and respectful, they will do the same. It's been helpful for me when I realize I'm doing something I shouldn't, or could be doing better, to take a step back and tell myself "I can do better than this", or "I'm better than that". If no one else is telling you that, you owe it to yourself and your kids to make sure you believe this one way or another. Once you get yourself in line your kids will follow, and your head will be more clear to help encourage them in the right direction.

6. Stay out of debt.


If you have no or low debt, keep it that way. If you do have debt, do whatever you can to get rid of it. First, cut up your credit cards. Then, sell that crap filling up your garage on Craig's List and put all profits towards reducing your debt. Another thing you can do is put all of the extra money you get from your next raise towards debt. If you were making it fine before your raise, you can make it on that much now too. You'll have more money later on when your debt is gone to enjoy it. Make sacrifices wherever you can, but make sure you and your family still has quality time together and small rewards. A few ideas are to keep Netflix and order pizza once a week, but skip the theater and $10 popcorn. Also you can usually get museum or zoo passes from your library for free or discounted for some weekend fun. I've made Starbucks into a every-other-week treat instead of a twice-a-week caffeine buzz. My wife has been cooking more so we don't go out to eat as much. All of these ideas may not work for you, but there's tons of things you can do to save money. Only you can know what is a good fit for your family and I'm sure you can come up with some of your own ideas too. When you have that money in hand and you're about to buy something you really don't need, just remember: You already spent that money before you even got it. And now you need to pay it back. You will have so much more freedom to do the things your family wants once you get rid of your debt. Oh, and teach your kids this stuff as they grow and they'll be ahead of the curve.


You can learn more from Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover http://www.daveramsey.com/home/

So, to all the dads out there who realize parenting is very difficult without advice from other men (because most of us won't ask our wives or girlfriends... Or read her blog), I give you 


Between Dude & Dad.