What causes conflict?
The Symptoms
When I refer to conflict, what comes to mind? Arguments? Fist fights? Wars? Merriam-Webster calls conflict "a lack of agreement or harmony".
By this definition, conflict would be any form of failed human interaction. Whether it be marriage, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, neighbors... employers, coworkers, subordinates... churches, politicians... all the way to the simplest connections we don't even think about; like strangers standing in line, or on the other end of the phone as support or telemarketers, next to you on the airplane, walking down the street, or passing you on the highway. By calling it failed interactions, you don't even have to have a conversation to have conflict with someone.
When was the last time you got in an argument with a loved one? Or had someone beep their horn at you while driving? What about getting irritated when someone cut in front of you in line?
More than likely, you've had at least one of these scenarios happen this week. If not all of them. I want you to think about what the ultimate cause of these conflicts are. No, I'm not talking about you leaving your dirty socks right next to the hamper rather then in it, or the fact that the SOB driving the Hummer got too close to your rear bumper. What I'm referring to here is the underlying reason why your smelly socks and rear bumper caused conflict. That "why" is what I'm going to discuss today.
The Disease
If you get down to the very core of it, every single failed human connection in the world comes down simply to expectations. When any of those people listed above (or any one else in the entire world) disappoints you in any way or you anyone else, it's usually both parties to blame in the conflict. When was the last time someone honked at you? Do you really think they just wanted to honk at you to let you know that you're a perfect driver? No, it's because of one of the following reasons:
- One or all the people involved don't (or possibly can't) communicate their expectations,
- They have unrealistic expectations,
- They don't care what is expected of them,
- Or any mixture of all of these.
Don't believe me? Let's take a closer look at the examples I gave above. I think they are simple enough to get us started.
The Side Effects
It was a dark and stormy night. You just got home from a late night after a long hard day at work. You can't believe the people you have to put up with at that place. Ed, whom you manage, failed to get paperwork filed properly yesterday for a big project that's due. He was out sick today. So your boss made you stay late to do it yourself. What a prick. Dinner is already on the table. You quickly change to more comfortable clothes, sliding your socks off as your walking to your closet. Your son comes to your door to ask you a question, and mentions that mom isn't in a good mood. She yelled at the youngest one earlier for breaking something. By now you've completely forgotten to pick up your socks from were you left them. Innocent enough, right? But hold on. Your wife has been home all day, washing the laundry, cleaning up spills and messes made by the kids, working her butt off to make sure the house was clean and dinner was ready for when you came home. Oh, and she planned your favorite meal for you as a surprise for tonight over a week ago because she's so proud of you doing so well at your job... that you've now been at one year today... and that dinner is the one that's cold. That's enough to be frustrated, right? About an hour later after an unusually quiet, cold dinner, your wife goes in the bedroom one second and the next comes out with a fiery temper and raised voice. She is going on and on about something to do with dirty clothes and no respect for all she does... "Wait a second!" you break in, "What about all I do!? Doesn't that count for anything?"... Obviously something hit a nerve. Probably a nerve already raw from a stressful day at work. The fight continues for about 8 minutes, and then it just stops because you both completely forgot what you were originally fighting about. You both say you're sorry for being pig-headed and kiss and make up.
So who's wrong in this tale? The answer is subject to interpretation, and I'm not trying to analyze who is wrong and who is right in a never ending game of he-says-she-says. If you take a second look at the story while thinking about what expectations may have been in play, you'll start to see what I mean about conflict. Ed failed to meet your expectations to get his paperwork done. Your boss failed to meet your expectations of letting you leave with work undone. You failed to meet your wife's expectations of being home on time for dinner. Your child failed to meet your wife's expectations of not breaking stuff. She failed to meet your expectations of understanding that you had a hard day. By the time all of those failed expectations build up, it doesn't really matter how minor of an expectation putting socks in the hamper is. Some of these are unreasonable expectations, some aren't. Some of them were not communicated, and therefor were not known to the other involved party. And at least a couple of people didn't seem to care what was expected of them.
This may make sense to you now, but you may still be asking how strangers can be affected like this too. Lets use the tail-gating analogy from before. The car that beeped at you. When we drive, we often pretend that we are in our own little world and that no one else is around. (Just remember this next time you laugh at the guy next to you at the light who you caught picking his nose. And then next time you pick your nose in you car, make sure you remember there's probably someone laughing at you.) Because we like to drive around in our bubble pretending that no one else is there, we forget that we affect other people even in little ways. Most of us who try to practice the Golden Rule, fail to do so when we're on the road. Think about everything that irks you that other people do while driving; Now think about those next time you drive. I bet you do at least a couple of those things when you get on the road. My dad always told me "you should always try to avoid making someone else brake unless you have to".
The Cure
A lot of times, if we just understand what causes something, that's enough to fix it. Sometimes it is not enough however, so what else can we do? Well, I really think you have to decide that for yourself. What do you want your life to look like? Do you want it to be peaceful, harmonious and conflict free, or do you strive on and enjoy confrontation? If you enjoy it, you are probably reading the wrong blog. If you want to change and have harmony in your life, then you have to do your part to truly treat people the way you want to be treated, and try to understand what their expectations may be. It's not your job to make sure that those expectations are met, but if you at least try to understand them you are already a step ahead. You also may find the opportunity to communicate what your expectations are, or help them understand better what their's should be.
You never know what you can do to help change the world unless you give it a try.
“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.” -Marian Wright Edelman
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